Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Goddamn Sexual Tyrannosaurus.

Good old Blain from 'Predator'. In his stetson hat and with his face cancer inducing chewing tobacco habit, he gave us one of the most awesome moments in cinema history. 'Payback time!' Yes, the ace gatling gun bit. I was thinking of that bit while sitting in my car waiting for the lights at some lovely new road works.

It's not much fun driving to work as it is, a series of queues, punctuated by short bursts of moving. The kids are back at school, so the phalanxes of armoured infant carriers are back too, ponderously wobbling from one lane to another, in an attempt to get their kids off their hands one or two seconds quicker. Little tip: PUT THEM ON THE FUCKING BUS, THEY'LL BE ALRIGHT IN THE RAIN, THEY'RE WATERPROOF. That way, the rest of us miserable road users might at least be able to see how far the traffic queue stretches, instead of looking at the fat arse of your car. And oh yes, that gent in the Lotus Elise who thinks it's alright to pull out from the bus stop without looking every single morning; I BEEPED MY HORN AT YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE IN THE WRONG AND YOU KNEW IT, SO THAT TORRENT OF V-SIGNS YOU LAUNCHED JUST MADE YOU LOOK EVEN MORE OF AN ARSE. Lucky I wasn't driving a bus or your lovely roadster would probably be flapping round in one of the wheel arches. As it was I practically had to stand on the brake not to run into you.

But that was just small potatoes. What really had me reaching for the chewing tobacco was the cavalcade of bastards who thought it okay to ignore the temporary traffic lights (where they're currently working on the gas main) and just carried on sailing through a full thirty seconds after the lights changed. This happens a lot. When did it suddenly become okay to just drive through red lights like they're a piece of casual advice? And why are people in such a desparate rush to get to work anyway? Why risk killing yourself and others getting to work?

Some useful hints for drivers.

1: Never trust anyone behind the wheel. Ever. Especially Monday mornings.

2: If you must drive your kids to school, buy a bus and DRIVE THEM ALL.

3: Don't listen to techno, drum and bass or indeed anything fast when you're stuck in traffic. It doesn't help.

4: Red traffic lights mean STOP.

5: Get stuck on that yellow, hatched box across the junction and everyone will think you're a bloody idiot. Especially if you then stop other road users from crossing the junction. If they beep their horn at you, remember it's your own fault. All of it is due to people like you that can't follow simple instructions.

6: Just because taxi drivers and delivery men drive a lot, doesn't make them good at it.

7: Be nice. Don't beep when someone lets a car into the traffic.

8: Shortcuts around side streets just upset the locals and make it unsafe for kids playing out when you whiz down the street at 40 mph. Plus it's cheating. Join the queue and take it like a man.

A note to cyclists, stop being such self righteous bastards. I don't want to ruin my paintwork running over you when you suddenly veer out in front of me. Yes, I know about grids. Stop treating the road like you own it, don't ride side by side and use the bloody lanes the council put there. And get some lights.

A note to scooter riders under the age of eighteen, male, yes, you know who you are. Everyone hates you. Everyone.

Phew! Good job we don't have guns over here, eh?

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